pineapple lifesavers in the sky

it is with a sad heart that i say goodbye to my favorite comedian of all time, mitch hedberg. he was the funniest person i ever heard. the world is a little bit sadder and certainly not as funny without him. so, instead of a moment of silence, i'd like to share some of mitch's genius.

*"i bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...i don't need a receipt for the doughnut - i'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. we don't need to bring ink and paper into this. i can't imagine a scenario in which i would need to prove that i bought a doughnut...some skeptical friend, don’t even act like i didn't buy a doughnut, i've got the documentation right here...oh wait it's back home in the file...under "d", for doughnut."

*"i like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. that's why i wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."

*"i like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. if i buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes i will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential."

*"i opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "please try again" because they were having a contest i was unaware of. but i thought i might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, mitchell, don't give up. please try again. a message of inspiration from your friends at yoplait. fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

more mitch here.